Hergest Ridge

Heidi Baker has seen food multiply and more than a hundred people raised from the dead, the latter event described by the Christian Broadcasting Network host as “an incredible resurrection power-move by God.”

“We didn’t have enough chicken.” The cook now announced he was cooking fish. “They want chicken, so we prayed for chicken, and everybody ate chicken.” Later, bags and bags of chicken were taken home. Imagine the poor and dying children of northern Mozambique fretting over the Christmas menu. And just how do the poor and starving out there tell the difference between chicken and fish? Miracles abound when Heidi is around.

“It’s documented - god just made more chicken for us. Whether it flew in, or…” The host interrupted and the flying chickens joined the ‘divine secrets’ rank.

Ready for another miracle?

“I looked into the eyes of the girls and asked them what they want” for the girls didn’t want the stuffed toys. They instead asked for beads - stuffed toys are sooo passé in Mozambique, and next year if we cannot bring caviar and iPhones, Westerners might as well take their gifts and keel over in shame and for being useless.

Those ungrateful bastard children were first unwilling to eat fish, and now can’t even say “thank you” and shut up.

“I told my friend to look in the garbage bag and pull out what is there, and there were beads in the bag, because god cares.” Heidi just knew - no easter egg hunt for the beads.

How have these miracles changed how Mozambique sees Jesus?

“They know he is real. Hundreds of hundreds and thousands of syncretistic Muslims are getting saved everyday. We don’t even preach, we just say bring us the deaf, and the deaf person hears and then they just say ‘Yeees, we want Jesus!’ “

The poor of Mozambique need Jesus like the natives of North America needed the blankets from the white man. And we all need Jesus like another hole in the body. The notion of Jesus often maims and kills, with the healing left to the ER. The Spaniards of the roughly 350 years starting 1478 will attest, and 150,000 (an estimate from García Cárcel) people can’t be wrong. (Well, yes they can, but just take my word for it or read the daily news.)

The miracles happen “week, after week, after week, among those in northern Mozambique.” While Heidi is raising the dead with prayers, her husband Rolland “left Mozambique for the United States last November for prayer, treatment and rest. During this time he has been under the care of several doctors and has been meeting with counselors.”

The first one to argue for miracles in a context other than ‘a useful tool to oppress’ gets to wear a very pointy hat, and substitute for the poster in a game of “pin the tail.” As for the modern day con woman Heidi Baker with an historical act, I hope that hell does really exist.